Before her. *rambling*
I thought I knew what love was before her. I swore I felt it. Understood it. Lived it. I thought I had given love before her.
Love is not just an emotion that fills you from your core a and radiates outward into the world. It’s an action.
I realized I loved her more than I loved myself. That I would allow her insanity to infuse itself with mine. Allow her selfishness to cause me pain. Allow her actions to corrupt me.
I did that.
I loved her while she couldn’t love me. I loved her while she was engaged to someone else. Everyday on the midst of me loving her I watched someone else kiss her. Hug her. Provide for her. I watched her believe she found her forever. I loved her while she thought she was happy. I loved her through that. I loved her past that.
I loved her once she loved me. She continued to be the light in my eyes. I just wanted to make her life right. No one was more beautiful to me. She had me and I was happy with that. Anything I could give I did. Late nights with her at work helping her close as if I didn’t work 10 hours myself that day. But that was my baby. It was my job to make her life as easy as possible.
I loved her once I failed to protect her. I cried so bad that night. I’ll owe her for the rest of my life. I loved her when she thought she was leaving me. Through my own devastation I smiled for her. I loved her when she killed me. I loved her past my own death and into my next life.
She murdered me
I cried. I screamed. I cut myself. I wanted to die. But I still wanted her. I wanted her to hurt. Then I hated myself for wishing that on her. I wanted to be numb. But I was still addicted. My time without her was unbearable.
Here we are. And I still love her. I’ll never stop. She could take a knife to my chest tonight and like an idiot if still love her. Still walk her home from work, cook for her, sleep on the cold floor with her. If it’s in my power I’d still provide. I’ll still support her. No matter what she does she’ll always be my heart and soul.
I’ve never felt this for anyone. Such an attachment. It’s unhealthy I’m sure for me to love someone this much. But clearly this isn’t changing.
Before her I don’t know what it was, but I know I wasn’t loving.